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The Great Burger Showdown

Ten of the best (and biggest) burgers in New Jersey square off for bragging rights in our first cook-off.

Posted January 17, 2011 by Eric Levin

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The Great Burger Showdown
Josh Ozersky looks under the hood of burger number 1 while fellow judges Ken Schlager, George Faison and Rosie Saferstein munch and mull.
Photo by Marc Steiner/ANJ.

The Great Burger Showdown
Chef Thomas Ciszak of Copeland salts his patties.
Photo by Marc Steiner/ANJ.

The Great Burger Showdown
A chef tests a patty for doneness.
Photo by Robert Yaskovic/ANJ.

The Great Burger Showdown
Chef/owner Zod Arifai of Next Door in Montclair reacts to the announcement of his triumph.
Photo by Marc Steiner/ANJ.

With but two moving parts, the basic hamburger is one of the simplest foods around, on a par with the hot dog, and simpler than the dough-sauce-cheese triad of plain pizza. Still, identifying the best hamburger in New Jersey is no simple task, especially because chefs have come to treat the premium burger as blank canvas—or as upwardly mobile missile, deploying its payload of exotic beef blends, caramelized onions, aged cheeses and farmstead bacons into the culinary blue yonder.

We considered fanning teams of tasters across the state to report on state of the art bur-gers. Such sampling is essential with pizza (see NJM cover story, February 2010), brunch (February 2009), diners (February 2008) and the cornucopia of cheap eats (February 2007), because those are not readily moveable feasts. Meaning you can’t easily bring them to one location for a cook-off to determine the best.

The hamburger, though, is a free spirit. Even in its most elaborate form, the ingredients are easily transported, and the three main ways of cooking it—on a griddle, over a flame grill or in a pan on a stove—require only standard equipment found in most professional kitchens. So the idea began to take shape: Hold a one-day battle for bragging rights among some of the best burgers in New Jersey.

The first requirement was a central location. New Brunswick made sense. Then we needed a partner. We lucked out with the people from the Heldrich Hotel. The Heldrich is new and handsome, and the dining facilities are first-rate, with a huge behind-the-scenes prep area, an attractive open kitchen and a private dining room where we could sequester the judges for what would be a blind tasting.

We recruited an expert panel of five tasters— food columnist Josh Ozersky, author of three books, including The Hamburger; NJM’s in-the-know Table Hopping with Rosie blogger, Rosie Saferstein; NJM restaurant reviewer and veteran food writer Pat Tanner; George Faison, one of the founders of the specialty meat company D’Artagnan and partner and chief operating officer of the premium meat purveyor DeBragga & Spitler; and NJM editor Ken Schlager, a dedicated fresser with a picky palate. [Here, meat maven Ozersky sings the praises of the simplest, humblest and most affordable burger, the White (Castle-Rose-Diamond-Manna-Mana) slider.]

Next came the toughest part—deciding which rest-aurants to invite, and how many. After talking with the judges and other foodies, we decided 10 hamburgers was the most that could humanely be fed to sentient beings in a single seating before palates pooped out and tummys trembled.

So which ten? We wanted, first of all, a geographical mix of North, Central and South. We wanted a range of restaurants, from crowd-pleasing pubs to fine-dining establishments, with maybe a diner or specialty joint thrown in. We wanted places that pride themselves on their burgers, that sell a lot of them, that have won praise and maybe even awards for their burgers. We wanted some from among perennial winners in our annual Readers’ Choice Restaurant and Best Of Jersey polls.

At last the competitors were chosen and the day of the Great Burger Showdown arrived—a Monday, when many restaurants are closed, making it easier for chefs to spend half a day in transit and competition (all except the crew at Christopher’s, who would be competing in their home kitchen at the Heldrich, and Stage Left in New Brunswick, who merely had to cross the street). Furthest South: Lucky Bones, Cape May. Furthest North: The Iron Horse, Westwood. Furthest East: Frankie’s, Point Pleasant Beach. Furthest West: Vincentown Diner, Vincentown.

The call was for 11:30 am. Pulling wheeled coolers, chefs began arriving an hour before that. Each was allowed to bring a helper or two. Owners could tag along; some made themselves useful slicing tomatoes and toasting buns, while others paced. In two instances—Zod Arifai of Next Door in Montclair and Evan Blomgren of Rocky Hill Inn in Rocky Hill—the owner is the chef. In one case, the owner, Lee Tremble of Iron Horse, is father of the chef, Sean Tremble. Pop, who is white-bearded and burly and wore a pink baseball cap, kept up a cheerful patter.

First order of business was drawing lots to determine in which order the chefs would cook. The Christopher’s kitchen supplied an iron pot into which 10 numbered, sealed chits were tossed, and chefs took turns plucking one out. As it happened, Christopher’s drew number 1. Whether that was an advantage (judges would be fresh) or a disadvantage (by the time nine more burgers were tasted, how much would be remembered about number 1?) nobody could say. Copeland drew number 10 (palette fatigue or the power of the last word?). Would the middle contestants get lost in the shuffle?

There was no chance of that. Not with these judges. Saferstein may be small (4 feet 10 inches) but, she said, only half joking, “They call me Big Mouth.” Tanner eats about 130 restaurant meals a year, plus cooks at home. Faison can discuss flavor and marbling of every cut of meat, characteristics of different cattle breeds and finishing diets, and aging and curing methods until, so to speak, the cows come home. Ozersky is a carnivore’s carnivore, built like a linebacker and blessed with a palate as decisive as the swing of a butcher’s cleaver. One bite, maybe two, and he pronounces judgment. Schlager is Everyman, but with an editor’s eyeshade.

As soon as the judges arrived they were whisked into the private dining room, where they remained, except for bathroom breaks. Their places were set with knives and forks, linen napkins and glasses of sparkling water for palate cleansing. They weren’t told who the competitors were. Burgers were identified for them only by number on information sheets that listed each burger’s ingredients.

The cooking was set up so that each chef’s five burgers would be tasted at their peak, within seconds of coming off the grill. Once lots were drawn, the chefs repaired to the rear kitchen to prep. As soon as number 1 (Jason Zimmerman of Christopher’s) was ready, he took to the grill and started cooking. The minute his burgers were plated, placed on a tray and carried to the judges by Heldrich food and beverage director Gershon, the next chef took his place in the open kitchen at his choice of stove, griddle or grill.
Most of the entries were proven crowd-pleasers leaping directly from the menus of their respective restaurants. The Christopher’s team, however, had brainstormed, inventing new burgers just for the contest. “We did a six-burger tasting on Friday,” declared one of the team. “The winner was incredibly juicy.”

It was also incredibly complex, involving a Texas toast (aka thick-sliced) brioche bun with toppings of caramelized shallots, oven-dried “teardrop” tomatoes, bone marrow aioli, braised short rib meat and fried parsley. Nonetheless, it made a strong first impression. “I would take a trip to eat this burger,” said Ozersky, who in fact had done just that. (An Atlantic City native, he now lives in Brooklyn.) “I would be surprised if this burger is not in my top three.”

Entry number 2 was the signature burger of the Rocky Hill Inn, topped with cheddar, grilled onions, bacon and the surprise of a sunnyside-up egg. “The yolk gets all gooey and that’s what makes the burger good,” explained chef/owner Evan Blomgren, expertly cracking eggs onto the griddle with one hand. The burger was served open-face, top bun on the side.

In the judges’ room, Faison clapped the lid on and lifted it to his lips. “A breakfast burger!” he enthused. “Here we go.” It was big, and Saferstein had trouble getting her hands around it. The judges did like its looks. “Maybe there is something to be said for appearance scores,” said Ozersky. Still, he jotted down on his score sheet, “Hard to eat.”

Third up were the road warriors of Lucky Bones Backwater Grille, who had driven more than 120 miles to set before the judges a blend of ground chuck, short rib and skirt steak. “People want something new,” said chef Sean McCullough, “and I think we’re giving that to them with this blend.” Like all the chefs, McCullough had to get the feel of the flame broiler, which he estimated to be running at 350 to 400 degrees. “It’s hot!” he said. At that temperature, all six burgers (one in each batch was sent to the photographers for a portrait, followed by freelance nibbling) cooked in about eight minutes or less. Schlager, lifting his top bun, examined the patty and said, “I like the char.”

The panel’s Burger number 4 was dubbed the “French Onion” by its makers from Burger Deluxe in Wayne. “We get the idea from the French onion soup,” said partner Zeki Yesilyurt. “We caramelize our onions with the white wine and thyme and then we add some nice beef broth in there. And then we simmer the onions slowly until real nice.” The French onions were slipped underneath the patty, which was topped with Gruyere cheese and a crispy/tangy parmesan crust. The judges thought there was too much beef stock in the onions, which made for a wet bottom.

Coincidentally, the French onion theme returned in Burger number 5 (chef Oleg Zelenko and the Vincentown Diner). The burger had crispy, deep-fried frizzled onions instead of simmered French ones, but each came with what looked like a cup of soup—actually beef and chicken stock jus. Zelenko declared it “my little secret, French onion soup minus onions.” The burger had other talking points: all the competitors’ rolls were toasted, Zelenko’s were buttered as well; the patties were topped with melted Swiss cheese and a squiggle of creamy horseradish sauce; the patty was of 100 percent Jersey-raised grass-fed beef, which is naturally leaner than grain-finished beef.

“It’s a very original concept,” Ozersky said. “And the chef has avoided the folly of lettuce and tomato.” One judge cut his in half and dipped an end into the steaming jus. But after taking a bite his comment concerned the patty. “It’s a bit too lean,” he said. “It needs more fat.” “I’m sorry,” Tanner countered. “This chef knew what he was doing. He has exactly the right proportions of everything.”

To help the judges keep track, one of each sampled burger was lined up along the edge of the long table when the other plates were removed. We were now halfway through. Five partly consumed bur-gers formed a disheveled chorus line. The judges were wisely pacing themselves, resisting the urge to take extra bites of the ones they liked best.

In came number 6. Compared to the teetering towers that had preceded it, this one, from chef Zod Arifai’s Next Door, was broad but compact. Ozersky, showing his expertise, seized on a truth about Arifai’s burger. “This is from a black pan,” he announced. “Whoever made this used clarified butter in a hot pan.” Topped just with partly melted cheddar (partial melting retains more cheese flavor, Arifai later explained) and caramelized onions, this burger, declared Saferstein, “isn’t overwhelming. You can enjoy it. I love the bun. These onions are really good.” Faison noted, “the cheese has a more pronounced flavor than what we’ve been having.”

Ozersky was the most enthusiastic. “This is a perfectly constructed burger,” he said. “We haven’t had one where the cheese and bun just perfectly complement the burger and create a transparency. Not only that, but look at the crust. It’s perfect mahogany from edge to edge.” Mr. One Bite then gave the ultimate compliment: “I ate more than I needed to. It’s just so easy going down.”

Unknown to the judges, burger number 7—at 11 ounces the biggest of the day—was at a slight disadvantage. Coming from Stage Left, which is across the street from the Heldrich, it is normally cooked over an applewood fire, which produces a lot of smoke when the fat drips down, imparting a smoky taste to the meat. For the competition, chef J.R. Belt started the patties on the wood fire, “marking” them, before bringing them across the street to be finished on the Heldrich’s gas grill. One of the judges declared it “the best beef I’ve had yet today, but it’s not cooked properly. It’s nearly raw inside. There is a certain temperature you have to hit.” Dressed with thick slices of tomato and red onion, plus lettuce, plus that thick patty, the burger was one of the tallest of the day. Commented another judge, “This is like the new building they just put up in Abu Dhabi.”

The judges faulted burger number 8, from Frankie’s in Point Pleasant Beach, for being overcooked, though it did have a beautiful char and mouth-watering lava flows of glossy cheddar. One judge didn’t care for the kaiser roll.

The ninth, from the Iron Horse, was given points for “the great aroma from the fresh basil,” two judges noted. But the panel didn’t care for the mozzarella with which the patty was stuffed, deeming it “gummy.”
The final burger, with its beautiful dark char and glistening toasted bun, was judged perhaps the most attractive of the day. Hopes ran high that it would be a grand slam. Instead, as the panelists bit into it, number 10 (from Copeland in Morristown) struck out. The patty was nearly raw inside. “That’s not what I wanted for the last one,” a judge said reprovingly.

The judges had been giving each burger point scores in five categories: bun, patty, toppings, appearance and overall edibility. Now they totalled up the scores, then assigned each burger a final rank, from one to ten. The results were tallied and the burgers were ranked accordingly.

Rocky Hill Inn took fourth place with a score of 25 points. Three other burgers tied with the day’s best scores, so the judges used first-place votes as tie-breakers. Burgers 1 (Christopher’s in the Heldrich) and 7 (Stage Left) each had one first-place vote. The judges—still not knowing the identities of the contestants—held a run-off vote between the two, which resulted in Stage Left finishing third and Christopher’s second. A strong performance by the two New Brunswick restaurants.

There was no doubt about the overall winner. Burger number 6 (Zod Arifai’s Next Door) got three first-place votes.

It was the simplest burger of the day. Just the patty, caramelized onions and aged Vermont cheddar. Actually, there was one other ingredient, which Arifai called critical—salt.

“Salting is the most important element in any cooking,” he said. “You can have the best meat, best fish, best vegetables, but if you don’t salt properly it won’t taste good. And,” he added, “it’s just as important not to oversalt as not to undersalt.”

After the four winners were announced to good-natured applause, the chefs, NJM staffers, photographers and videographers dispersed. The judges went on their way. My competition organizer duties done, I had a strange hankering for a hamburger.

in the Heldrich Hotel, 10 Livingston Ave., New Brunswick (732-729-4670;
CHEF: Jason Zimmerman
Jason Gershon
CLAIM TO FAME: Host of the NJM Great Burger Showdown. NJM ★★★ review, 2007

PATTY: 85 percent lean/15 percent fat, organic beef BUN: Brioche Texas toast TOPPINGS: Braised short rib, caramelized shallots, oven-dried teardrop tomatoes, bone marrow aioli, fried parsley

137 Washington St., Rocky Hill (609-683-8930,

CHEF: Evan Blomgren
OWNERS: Evan and Maria Blomgren
Strong recommendations from
readers writing to


PATTY: Strip steak, short rib,
pancetta BUN: Brioche
TOPPINGS: Cheddar, grilled onions, applewood-smoked bacon,
sunnyside-up egg

in the Westin Governor Morris Hotel,
2 Whippany Rd., Morristown
CHEF: Robert Trainor
CLAIM TO FAME: One of NJM's 25 Best Restaurants in the state, 2009-10; burger a Critics' Pick, 2009-10.

PATTY: 1/2 Wagyu beef, 1/2 Black Angus BUN: Black pepper sesame brioche TOPPINGS: Gruyere, applewood-smoked bacon, TC Steak Sauce, lettuce, tomato

20 Washington Ave., Westwood

CHEF: Sean Tremble
OWNER: Lee Tremble
CLAIM TO FAME: Popular Bergen County pub known for its
stuffed burgers.


"The Margherita"
PATTY: 85 percent lean/15 percent fat beef, stuffed with mozzarella
BUN: Ciabatta roll TOPPINGS:
Red and yellow marinated roasted tomatoes, chopped fresh basil

1200 Route 109, Cape May (609-884-2663;
CHEF: Shaun McCullough
OWNERS: David and Michael Craig
CLAIM TO FAME: One of the most popular restaurants in one of the Garden State's busiest, most competitive restaurant towns.

PATTY: Chuck, short rib, skirt steak
BUN: Snow Wolf, Formica Brothers Bakery, Atlantic City TOPPINGS: Caramelized onions, bacon, applewood-smoked cheddar, l

1420 Route 23 North, Wayne

CHEF: Leo Ramirez
OWNER (PARTNER): Zeki Yesilyurt
CLAIM TO FAME: Popular specialty burger restaurant with the soul
of a Greek diner


"French Onion Burger"
PATTY: Brisket BUN: Brioche
TOPPINGS: French onion, Gruyere, parmesan crust, lettuce,

2357 Route 206, Vincentown
CHEF: Oleg Zelenko
OWNER: Jimmy Melissaratos
CLAIM TO FAME: Well-regarded South Jersey diner known for using local, seasonal ingredients and grass-fed beef.

PATTY: Organic grass-fed chuck and sirloin from Simply Grazin Organic Farm in Skillman BUN: Rustic kaiser roll from Olde World Bakery and Cafe, Mount Holly TOPPINGS: Frizzled
onions, Alpine Lace swiss cheese, horseradish sauce, cup of beef/
chicken jus on the side

414 Route 35 South, Point Pleasant Beach (732-892-6000;

CHEF: Dennis Sullivan
OWNER: Frank Kineavy
CLAIM TO FAME: Best Burger, South, NJM Readers' Poll, 2009-10


PATTY: 80 percent lean/
20 percent fat "special blend"
BUN: Poppy-seed Kaiser roll
TOPPINGS: Lettuce, tomato, red onion, cheddar, bacon

5 Livingston Ave., New Brunswick (732-828-4444;
CHEF: J.R. Belt OWNERS: Mark
Pascal, Francis Schott and Lou Riverio
CLAIM TO FAME: Best Burger,
Central, NJM Readers' Poll, 2006-08; burger inducted into NJM's
"Best Of" Hall of Fame, 2007.

PATTY: 80 percent lean/
20 percent fat sirloin
BUN: Brioche TOPPINGS: Lettuce, tomato, red onion, chipotle mayo, ketchup, 3-year-aged cheddar, bacon

556 Bloomfield Ave., Montclair

CHEF/OWNER: Zod Arifai
CLAIM TO FAME: Best Burger, North, NJM Readers' Poll, 2009-10;
NJM Critics' Pick, 2008-09.

PATTY: 80 percent lean/20 percent fat chuck, plus hanger steak, short rib BUN: Brioche from Balthazar Bakery, Englewood
TOPPINGS: Caramelized onions,
Vermont sharp cheddar

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If you like this article please share it.

Best Burger

We now are seeing the "evolution" of a hamburger. How sad! A really good hamburger is a simple expression and getting crazy with Wagu beef & fancy chilies and sauces only serves to mask what was once a great and easy to eat meal.

Take me back to Opdyke’s on Route 22 in Green Brook (not sure but close) or Mother Hubbards in Elizabeth. Those were hamburgers as they should be. Thick, juicy, charcoal grilled and SIMPLE!

Posted by: Raymond Wolff, Branchburg | Jan 31, 2011 04:07:35 AM |


The best hamburgers can be found at "25 Burgers" in Bound Brook. The hamburgers at "25 Burgers" are better than the legendary burgers of the west from "In-N-Out Burger"!
So far, my favorite is the A-1 Bleu Burger (I have them add bacon). Awesome!

Posted by: Bob Lucente, Gillette | Feb 05, 2011 20:02:30 PM |

So many more burgers!! Where are they?

NJ Monthly did a bang-up job putting this together. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about this event and the manner in which the competition was structured. My only criticism rests in the selection process. I realize that they had to limit the entries b/c of consumption limitations on the judges part, but I don’t know if these 10 burgers clearly represent the "10 Best" in NJ.

Was it necessary to ensure "all" regions of NJ were represented? Not really. Perhaps, and most likely, this was done to ensure that NJ Monthly Magazine gets a greater amount of circulation. I feel this selection process excluded many viable contenders; that may have taken first place.

This was clearly a "gourmet" burger selection; as a "10 best" should be.. and was aptly followed by an article "including" those "greasy spoon" burger joints that were not considered in this category. I would have liked to have seen mention of "gourmet burger" establishments that were considered, but didn’t make the cut for the competition; apparently due to some ubiquitous "popularity" rating that I am not aware of. I would have also liked to see how the other 6 burgers placed out of the 10 in this competition; and why.

Interestingly; 2nd and 3rd place was actually a 2nd place tie (explaining the unusual 4th place award.. hardly standard). I’ve had "Stage Left’s" burger and place it near the bottom of my burger list due to many factors; as do many fellow burger aficionados of mine. This concerns me, that a burger this lacking made it so high in the rankings, and makes me further question the validity of the "top 10" burgers that were ranked. I’ve not had the official 2nd place winner, Christopher’s, and never will; as this is NOT one of their burgers, just a special burger made for this competition. Yet another problem with this competition; they should have required every competitor to make "their" burger, not some fantastical burger no one has ever, or will ever, have. Hardly fair to the other competitors.

In short, I don’t think NJ Burger Businesses (as booming as they are) all got a fair shot and they deserve, just as burger consumers deserve, at the least; a mention. At the most; a taste test. This article needs some follow-up tastings to encompass more of some of the great burgers in New Jersey.

Do the right thing and give them a shot!

Here’s a short list of places I feel should’ve been mentioned:


Zinburger - Clifton
Due Mari - New Brunswick
Bobby’s Burger Palace - Paramus & Eatontown
Salt Gastropub - Byram
Clydz - New Brunswick


25 Burgers - Bound Brook
Broadway Burger - Somerville
Smashburger - Montclair
Elevation Burger - Montclair
Uberburger - Newark
Orange Smoke Burger - Piscataway

Posted by: Ben Chapman, Rockaway | Feb 28, 2011 00:32:13 AM |

Best Burger

Wow, color me shocked that 1st place went to Blu in Montclair, can you say man-crush......please!!! Maybe we can read about some other great restaurants in the state, I can’t read another article praising that guy Zad.....

Posted by: Jacob Weiss, Livingston | Apr 07, 2011 06:21:01 AM |

Hamburgers and everything else

The most underrated restaurant and especially for burgers
Is Peppercorns in Park Ridge. This place really puts out the best food and I have been eating there for 10 years. It’s affordable, the service is personable and consistent, and The blackboard specials are great.
Always wonder why no one ever says it???

Posted by: Melissa, Park ridge | Aug 10, 2012 19:16:07 PM |


You have to try Krug’s Tavern on Wilson st. In Newark! One of the best burgers in Jersey.

Posted by: Charley, Tewksbury | Dec 31, 2012 01:39:29 AM |

Love Them Goody Goody Burgers..

It just doesn’t get any
better than seeing the gorgeous “Mrs. Anita Pelaez” over at her and her
husband “Captain Kutchie’s” place..Some Folks Also Call Him..”The
KutchMan others call him The Kutchmon!”…Most Just Call Him “The Most
Interesting Man In The World”….(Anita and Kutchie Pelaez’s Key West, Key
Lime Pie Factory and Grill)…Just watching the lovely couple baking together all those Yummy
Key Lime Pies at their Key Lime Pie Factory and Grill in Asheville.
…It’s always worth the trip to visit them in they’re Historic Key Lime
Pie Factory and Grill…It should be on everyone’s bucket list for
sure..And The World’s Best Key Lime Pies!..YUM-YUM-YUM….­­.”Talk About
World Class” What An Understatement!…….AA­­HHHHH!….The Magic Of The
Lovely..”Mrs. Anita Pelaez” And Her Delicious Key Lime Pies Baked With
Pure Love…Always……40 Years And They’re Still Going Strong….

….May GOD Continue Blessing “Anita And Kutchie Pelaez” and They’re World
Famous Key Lime Pie Factory And Grill Where The Personalities, Ovens And
Smiles Are Always Warm And Inviting. “Kutcharitaville” You’re The Best We Love You!….

…Now You Know Who Is The Hottest!…And Baby Let Me Tell You, Mrs. Anita Is No Act…She’s The Real Thing Baby!…

….Located Near The Biltmore House And Estate…..
….Who Could Ask For Anything More?…Anita’s Key Lime Pie…(Hell Yes!)

….Just Think, Kutchie’s Goody Goody Cheese Burgers, The Original Cheese Burgers In Paradise!
….That Alone Is Quite A Pretty Big Deal If You Ask Me. ….”Hell”,..It’s A Pretty Big Deal Even If You Don’t Ask Me.

Posted by: PedroVanPeter, Spanishfork | Jan 04, 2014 22:53:47 PM |

love them forever!

.….”Captain Kutchie” Never Makes Up Stories But If He Did
It Would Probably Be About As Good As The One That You Are About To
Read Next!…..You Believe That?….
….Add “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” To Make This The All-Time Greatest Film Ever Made!….
Eastwood. Possibly Be Competing With “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” For The
Position Of “The World’s Most Interesting Man”…Perhaps?…But Then Again
Perhaps He Is Just Waiting For “Kutchie Pelaez and Frankie Valli” To
“Make His Day”!…Ha, Go Figure!….
….We Heard A Few Years Back That
Megyn Kelly Of Fox News, Really Loved Her Some Of Captain Kutchie’s And
Anita Pelaez’s Famous Key Lime Pies! Could That Make Megyn “The Most
Interesting Lady In The World?….I Guess “NO” On That One, That One Would
Have To Be “The Lovely –Mrs. Anita Pelaez” The Queen Of The Key Lime
Pie World!
….I sure hope that this will be a great opportunity for
everyone to see some of “Don Rickle’s Scenes” from his productions of
his classic hits “The Tales From Kutcharitaville”. You Do know that Don
Rickles and Johnny Carson together produced those comedy hits about
their friend “Mr. Kutchie Pelaez” and their wild and crazy exploits of
Kutchie’s Key West and The World of Key Lime Pies from the perspective
of (Johnny Carson, Don Rickles, Kutchie Pelaez and Steve Martins Eyes!)
What a Hoot Those Classic Hits Surely Were. Don’t miss them, be sure to
tune-in next month. We Laughed Until We Cried Watching Those Funny
Movies. “The Tales From Kutcharitaville”, I Think That They May Still Be
Available In A Boxed Set. Maybe Try Amazon. Good Luck With That….
Know, It’s No Wonder That Everyone Calls “Captain Kutchie Pelaez”..The
Most Interesting Man In The World! Did You Know That Kutchie Drinks
Those Wonderful Mixed Drinks Named In His Honor Called “Kutcharitas”.?.
There A Hell Of A Lot Better Than Any Mexican Beers. And Much Stronger
To Boot!…You Could Almost Hear The Song Now…”Wasting Away Again In
Kutcharitaville”.!…What Do Ya Think? Not Bad Ahh!…
….That Sunken Ship In The News These Days,
Been Resting Down On The Bottom Of The Sea Since Way Back In 1857, “Mel
Fisher” Even Overlooked That One!… “Yankee Jack Pittorino” and “Micheal
McCloud” Now Have Reason To Write Another Song…(Hint-Hint-Hint) “Jack”
Listen-Up Here!
….Hell, We Can’t Find A Boeing 777 That’s Been Lost Only A
Little Over A Few Months Now! Could It Be Because The Jet Had No Silver and Gold Aboard, Just People?….Go Figure……
Thing That All The ….(“Anita And Kutchie Pelaez’s Key West Key Lime Pie
Shops”)..Are All Showing Increasing Pie Sales Throughout All They’re
Areas Of Distribution. Consumers Just Never Seem To Reach They’re Fill
Of Those “Yummy Key Lime Pies” That The “Peleaz’s Working Partner Team”
Continues To Produce. They Have Been Called “Love At First Bite”.
.Everyone Agrees, That The Loving Couple Have Been Baking They’re
Culinary Delectables Over 40-Years Now!….
Isn’t She
Wonderful?….”AAAHHHH”, The Magic Of The Gorgeous “Mrs. Anita Pelaez”
Well She Is Something Else!…Honey, She’s The Real Thing Baby!….
….Who The Hell Does That “Kutchie Pelaez” Think That He Is?….”Frankie Valli” Or Some Big-Shot Like That?
….It’s No Wonder That People Are All Calling Him “The Most Interesting Man In The World”,…Big Girls Don’t Cry…Do They?….
Cha Just Love Em!?….We Sure Do!….It is A Well Known Fact That “Captain
Kutchie Pelaez” Knows Who Put The Bomp In The Bomp Shoo Bomp Shoo Bomp
And The Rama In The Rama Lama Ding Dong!.
….He Even Knows Who Put The Dip In The Dip Da Dip Da Dip!…How Cool Is That?….
….”Very Interesting”!….
….”Frankie Valli and Kutchie Pelaez”..Did Make-It As Big As “Frank Sanatra”.
A Few Wise Guys They Certainly Were “Frankie Valli, Kutchie Pelaez and
Joe Pesci”!….Together “The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight”!…..
Wanna-Bee’s. The Key Lime Pie “Wild Bunch”. They’ve Got Everyone
Shaking In They’re Flip-Flops!….”Even “Jimmy Buffet” Doesn’t Know Where
It’s Safe To Hide-Out”!….Especially Since Everyone Found-Out That
“Captain Kutchie Pelaez” Was The One Who First Came-Up With The “Goody
Goody”…“The Original Cheese Burgers In Paradise” And Kutchie’s Buddy
.“Levi Stubbs”. Of The “Four Tops” Helped Him Name Them Way Back In The
Early 70?s.
….Eli Wallach, Be Careful, Don’t Eat The “Cannoli’s”!…They’re Killer Man!….
….They Lived!…They Really Did!…Just Ask “Levi”!….
Give My Left “Nut” To Set Down With “Captain Kutchie Pelaez, Frankie
Valli, Terry Levi, Joe Pesci, Bob Gaudio, Bob Crewe, Paul Shaffer, Bob
De Niro, Tommy DeVito, Martin Scorsese, Clint East Wood, Bob Newhart And
Yankee Jack Pittorino”! Rub Elbows And Shoot The Shit With That Whole
Crew Of “Good Fellows” Or “Wise Guys” Or Whatever The Hell You Want To
Call Them!….”Who Wouldn’t”?….
….I Believe That “Kutchie” First
Sang “My Eyes Adored You” And “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” To His
Lovely Bride “Anita” Way Back In The Seventies! ….Sounds Like A Love
Story To Us!…A Very Good Yarn! “You” “You’re Good You”….
“Captain Kutchie” Always Lands Back On His Feet. No Matter How Tough
The Situation Is He Always Comes Back Up On The Top Of The Heap, King Of
The Hill! Everyone Knows That! Never Count The Captain Out No Matter
How Down The Chips May..Appear!…… Remember That He Is Not Only “The
World Famous Captain Kutchie Pelaez” But Please Keep In Mind That
“Captain Kutchie” Is Also Considered “The Most Interesting Man In The
World”!….Why Else Would Everyone Be Talking About Him And His
Adventurous Wild And Crazy World Exploits, Treasure Hunting And
Exploring, The Megalodon Teeth And Oh All Those Giant Reptile
Exploits?…To Say “The Dude” Really Has Balls Is Quite An Understatement
To Say The Least!….
….His Drop Dead Gorgeous Wife “Anita”
They’re Famous Key Lime Pies!….They’re World Famous Historic Key West
Kutcharitaville Key Lime Pie Factory and Grill, Home Of The Famous
“Goody Goody” Cheese Burgers In Paradise!….All Conveniently Located In
NC Near The Famous “Biltmore House And Estate!….
….Yeah, You’re Good You. No You’re “DAMN GOOD YOU”….
….Also Add “The Two Yutes”….”What’s A Yute”? You Might Ask. Just Ask “Yankee Jack”…..
Lasts Forever and Ever, Two People Become One! A Covenant Between A
Husband, His Wife And The Lord “Jesus” The Christ! Marriage, The Same
Yesterday Today Tomorrow And Forever More! True Love Never Changes!
Ask “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” He Knows!….That What The Lord Puts
Together Can Never Be Broken!….That “Captain Kutchie” Really Knows His
Stuff. He’s Mind Blowing To Say The Least!…
….”Captain Kutchie” Never
Kisses Ass But If He Did Kiss An Ass It Would Probably Be His Beautiful
Wife’s Ass!….You Go “Captain Kutchie”!….
Always Said That To Him That “James Garner” Was To Him One Of The
World’s Most Interesting Persons. So I Guess That This Key Lime Pie
Should Be For You This Month “ROCKFISH”…(RIP)!….
….Only “Jim Rockford” Could Have Came Close To “Fred Thompson” In “Persecuted”, Fred Really Nailed It In This Flick!….
….”Captain Kutchie”, You Put You’re Cloth’s Back On, “You”!….
….Who Dat, Dat Say “Who Dat” Every Time Dat I Say Who Dat, “Who Dat”?….
….Nobody Be Done Does It Better Than The “Captain Kutchie” Be Done Did!….
….At A Time Like This, I Can’t Help But Think, What Would “Captain Kutchie” Say?….
With They’re Olive Oil Voice And Guinea Charm, The Damn Dago Wop
Grease-Ball Goombahs Are Out To Steal Everyone’s Grease! The
Scumbags!….That’s Probably What Captain Kutchie Might Say!…
….Looks Like That Scary Snow Snake!….”Albino Cobra”…..Wasting My Time….
and Captain Kutchie Pelaez’s Key Lime Pies Are Really As Good As
Everyone Says They Are. The Proof Is In The Pudding, They’re That Damn
….With “Anita’s and Kutchie’s” World Famous Key Lime Pies You Will Always Eat, Drink and Be Murray!
….”Captain Kutchie” Of Key Lime Pie Fame Always Told Me “Keep You’re Friends Close But Keep You’re Enemies Closer”.
that’s a go!….ok….go…….please go away now!……go to your room now!….well
if you don’t go now, i will!….bye-bye….i am gone now, you can stop
reading, cause i am gone……i am really gone now!
….i can’t believe that you are still reading this! you believe that?
….i can’t believe that we ate that whole key lime pie!…
“Rooms To Go” did good, maybe the “Pelaez’s” should change their name
to “Key Lime Pies To Go”, Yeah-What Do You-All Think? Is That A
Go?……go to your room now!….BYE!….

….With “Captain Kutchie” It Is Known As “The Battle Of The Bulge”!….,
….Ain’t It A Kick In The Head?…..Damn Straight It Is!….

….I Saw Captain Kutchie’s Dick Before…”OMG!!!”……Oh My, It’s A Nice One!….

Posted by: JennieLynn McDonald, Clear Water | Dec 04, 2014 00:19:00 AM |

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