Maher, who wears suits and ties on his HBO comedy series Real Time With Bill Maher, came out in a gray Beatles T-shirt and jeans. He carried a big notebook, which he put on a music stand at center stage. And flipping a page now and then, he proceeded to do 90 minutes that felt like 60.
In my little notebook, I scribbled quotes and notes. They’re reasonably accurate, but it’s hard to laugh and write in the dark at the same time. So if the following are not 100% what you’d get off a transcript, you’ll still get the idea:
–His basic take on McCain is that he’s old, fossil old. Maher mocked the media for reporting, as if it could be any other way, that McCain was looking for a running mate who was younger than him. Like who else is there, Bob Dole?
–In that vein, he predicted that November will bring "a victory for either blacks, women, or the undead."
–The choice in the fall will be "Obama…McCain. Biracial…Bicentennial."
–Much as Maher loves to skewer dishonest politicians and religious zealots, the lowest of the low in his book are dolts and boors. Amazingly, it took less than five minutes to discover that he had a very loud and doltish boor in a side mezzanine seat near the stage.
One mark of a professional comic is the ability to deal with hecklers. After this male creature shouted out something simplistic, Maher looked at the audience and shook his head.
"It’s like every Jersey gig I ever worked," he said. "Heckling right from the beginning."
–Resuming, he said he disagreed with those who thought that the interminable battle for the Democratic nomination is hurting the Democratic party. He said he is an Obama supporter, but he has to give Hillary credit.
"She is that birthday candle that just won’t blow out," he said. "I like the way Hillary Clinton reinvented herself as the champion of the blue-collar man. When was she ever that?"
–In heckling as in comedy, timing is everything. The guy in the mezzanine had nothing intelligent or even intelligible to say, but he knew to wait until the laughter died down, silence returned and Maher was about to begin again.
After the second outburst, Maher pointed at the guy and said, "How come you’re not at the opening of the Sex and The City movie?"
–Then back to politics. "People say McCain would be a big improvement over George Bush. I agree. In the same way that elevator music is a big improvement over getting a forklift blade in your eye."
–That set up a forklift in the eye of the G.O.P. "Fear is the only thing holding together the zombies of the Republican party," Maher said. "There’s one thing that Republicans just will not stand for, and that’s competence. Every federal agency is run by some ex-dildo salesman who was Neil Bush’s college roommate."
–"Bush came into office saying he was a uniter, not a divider. And that’s true. He united the middle class and the lower class. Now nobody can afford gas. I would say that’s ‘Mission Accomplished.’"
–"Republicans are geniuses at getting people to vote against their own economic interests."
–"Warren Buffet recently testified before Congress, and asked, ‘Why am I only paying 17 percent in income taxes when my secretary, who makes $60,000 a year, is paying 30 percent?’ That’s a good point. But why are you, a billionaire, paying your secretary only $60,000?"
–"You want an economic stimulus package? End the war in Iraq. That’s a two trillian dollar economic stimulus."
–"We used to make fun of the Canadian dollar. Now the Canadian dollar is worth more than the American dollar."
–On to a new subject. "Poor Eliot Spitzer. Not only did he have to quit the governorship, which had nothing to do with his hiring a prostitute, but he had to go on TV and say that he was a sex addict." Maher ridiculed the idea that sex can be an addiction, especially for men, whose biological nature across all of recorded time is to want sex all the time.
Then the first thing the new governor does upon taking office is to hold a press conference saying that he "is even hornier than the previous guy."
–Next target, holier-(and hornier)-than-thou Republicans such as Larry Craig being caught having gay sex. He named a few others, then said, "I haven’t seen this many self-loathing fairies since I left the Catholic Church."
–That set up Maher’s other favorite tackling dummy, religion. "The reason we can’t win our big war against religious ganatics is because we’re religious fanatics.
–Laura Bush recently went to Saudi Arabia, where breast cancer is the Number Two killer. The Number One killer? You’re husband."
–But Maher disputed those who have said he hates America. "I love America. It’s Americans I hate."
He then compared the U,.S. with countries like Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and North Korea. "Freedom of the press? Better. Freedome of speech? Better." He named three more aspects of life in which America is better, then concluded, "Free and fair elections?…Okay, five out of six isn’t bad."
–Next up, NASCAR. Why is it so popular? "Someone explain this to me. It’s just peckerwoods turning left. It’s just watching traffic. Dale Earnhardt was killed in a crash, where he spun off the track going 200 miles an hour. Then Dale Earnhardt Jr. had an accident, and people said, ‘Maybe there’s an Earnhardt curse.’ Yeah, like they were in the frozen yogurt industry."
–Back to Obama. "Whether you like it or not, Obama is the Jackie Robinson of American politics. People said, ‘Is he black enough?’ What does he have to do, dunk? He bowled a 37. You can’t get much blacker than that. What does he have to do, not swim? He bowled so bad, Ann Coulter offered to give him one of her balls."
–Always room for more shots at Bush. "You know how I know George Bush was not behind 9/11? Because it worked. And it required planning."
–About Hillary’s memorable line that she is the one better qualified to answer the phone in the White House at 3 am: "I’m sure the phone has rung at 3 am in the Clinton household many times, and Hillary answered. And it was her husband, saying he needs $500 and a pair of pants."
–"Bush says we’re killing ‘Al Queda and other extremists’ in Iraq. I think invading a country on a hunch and a grudge is pretty extreme."
–No Maher gig would be complete without a comment in favor of legalizing marijuana. "Administration after administration studied marijuana. And you know what they came up with? It makes you eat cookie dough."
–"Congress should look into the pharmaceutical industry. There’s pills for social anxiety disorder, which we used to call shyness. We have a lot of pills for stress. Stress is part of life. You ever look at a chipmunk? Even when it’s time for lunch, he’s like, ‘F—!.’"
–"Teaching intelligent design along with evolution is like teaching that the Civil War was fought between the North and the Dutch."
–There was much more. Maher provided a better evening than Sex and the City. Everything went over well, but he did get some boos fior the following:
"People say if women ruled the world there would be no wars. Are you kidding? There would be wars over handbags."
I don’t think the Carrie Bradshaw of the movie would have any problem with that remark.