New Jersey 2021: The Year in Review

Pamela Redmond Satran, who wrote the New York Times bestselling humor book How Not To Act Old, takes a humorous look back at the year that was 2021.

Illustration by Matt Wood.

JANUARY: Outgoing governor Cory Booker paid a final visit to Trenton prior to his inauguration as the 46th President of the United States. Booker officially handed over the Garden State’s top job to his lieutenant governor, Teresa Giudice.

FEBRUARY:
In her first official act, Giudice moved the governor’s residence from Drumthwacket to Xanadu, saying, “That old place skeeved me out, plus, what kind of a stupid name is Drumthwacket?” In her second official act, she filed for bankruptcy on behalf of the state.

MARCH:
Governor Giudice blew whatever was left in the state treasury on Versace outfits for every citizen. “I’m sick of people saying we Jerseyans are tacky,” declared the governor. She then dared the state’s creditors to try and rip the gold lamé jackets off of 8 million backs.

APRIL:
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg bailed out the state, as he did the school system and then the entire city of Zuckerberg (formerly Newark). As compensation, the state was renamed New Zuckey.

MAY:
The Delaware River Tunnel from Phillipsburg to Easton, Pennsylvania, former governor Chris Christie’s consolation project for the ARC tunnel, was finally completed. Hundreds of drivers completing their maiden voyage were heard to ask, “What do we do now?”

JUNE: Christie, now retired from politics, announced the $600 million sale of his ferry service from New Zuckey to Manhattan.

JULY:
In his second bombshell announcement in as many months, Christie revealed that he and fellow former governor Christie Todd Whitman had secretly married—but only, the bride claimed, because she thought it would be cool to be Christie Christie.

AUGUST:
Joe Paterno’s contract with Penn State finally ran out, and he became, at age 95, head football coach for Rutgers.

SEPTEMBER:
The Brownstone Diner & Pancake House in Jersey City received three Michelin stars, provoking the ire of Tony Soprano, who won only two for his new business, Holsten’s in Bloomfield. Meanwhile, ex-wife Carmela installed daughter Meadow as the first female don.

OCTOBER:
Russia’s richest man, Mikhail Prokhorov, who two years ago moved his New Jersey Nets from Brooklyn to Atlantic City, announced that, due to disappointing attendance, his team would again pick up stakes in search of a wider audience—in Siberia.

NOVEMBER:
Unable to find enough students to pay its $200,000 annual tuition, Princeton University auctioned itself off on eBay, where it was snapped up by princes William and Harry of England as a place to send future British royals not smart enough to get into Oxford and Cambridge.

DECEMBER:
President Booker closed out his first year as the nation’s chief executive by announcing plans to move the summer White House to Newark. We mean Zuckerberg.

Pamela Redmond Satran is a columnist for Park Place and the author of the New York Times bestselling humor book, How Not To Act Old.

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