As one of the 25 busiest airports in the world (no big deal), I don’t have much time to read magazine articles. But when my buddy LaGuardia told me about a piece in the Atlantic which named me—Newark Airport—the worst airport in the country, I had to grab a copy from one of my world-class newsstands. And I gotta say, it kind of stung—and not just because of the unflattering photos with way more linoleum than they needed to show. Look, I know I’m not perfect. I turn 98 this October, so there are airports that are younger and flashier, with more USB ports and high-tech infrared toilets. But I’m out here busting my terminals every day, and I think I deserve a little more respect.
As one of the 25 busiest airports in the world (no big deal), I don’t have much time to read magazine articles. But when my buddy LaGuardia told me about a piece in the Atlantic which named me—Newark Airport—the worst airport in the country, I had to grab a copy from one of my world-class newsstands. And I gotta say, it kind of stung—and not just because of the unflattering photos with way more linoleum than they needed to show. Look, I know I’m not perfect. I turn 98 this October, so there are airports that are younger and flashier, with more USB ports and high-tech infrared toilets. But I’m out here busting my terminals every day, and I think I deserve a little more respect.
“…apparently, I’m ‘stressful.’ Oh, you’re stressed? Let’s see you try to manage more than 49 million passengers a year flying on 50 different airlines.”
—Newark Airport, as told to Adam Peltzman
One complaint in the article: Apparently, I’m “stressful.” Oh, you’re stressed? Let’s see you try to manage more than 49 million passengers a year flying on 50 different airlines. Think about how worked up you get after talking to one airline on the phone; now add 49 more, all of which have very repetitive hold music. So, yes, my cortisol levels do spike on occasion. And my schedule doesn’t exactly allow me time for deep breathing and journaling (though I have started doing Pilates, and it’s terrific).
Another thing people say is that I have a lot of delays. I’ll address that concern in a moment.
I appreciate your patience as we await the arrival of a connecting sentence.
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Okay, sometimes there are delays. Sue me—I’m moving more than 1,000 planes a day on only three runways. Anyway, is a delay the worst thing in the world? More time to grab a Taylor ham sandwich, if that’s what you call it, or a pork roll, if that’s what you call it. Or one of each, if you can’t make up your mind about what to call it.
But what really got my tarmacs in a bunch was the article saying that I have a lower Yelp rating than “several nearby prisons.” So I looked it up on my free WiFi after watching a brief ad. Turns out very few people Yelp their prison stays. Also, notice it didn’t say I had a worse rating than all nearby prisons. Which means some people would rather be sentenced to 20-30 years at Newark Airport than their local penitentiary. And who could blame them? I have a 325-foot control tower, my own Amtrak stop, and a brand-spanking-new Jersey Mike’s. Try getting an 8-inch chipotle chicken cheese steak in the big house, Yelpsters.
Look, it’s easy to pick on the old guy. I’m a near-centenarian, so, yes, some of the equipment is sagging a bit. And sometimes my radar slips. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, right—even at my advanced age, I still get ’em up every day. The planes, I mean. Plus, I’ve had some work done. Have you seen the floor-to-ceiling windows in my gleaming new Terminal A? Which, by the way, received the World’s Best New Terminal Award from Skytrax, a major airport-evaluation firm. At the awards ceremony, I was sitting next to O’Hare, who said I looked so sharp that I should be in pictures (I didn’t brag that I’ve had featured roles in Private Parts and Happy Gilmore 2, because I was trying to keep it classy). And there’s more work to come: a Terminal B replacement procedure, a little nip and tuck, plus I’m going solar, as the kids like to say.
The point is, I’m getting better with age. And you know what else I’ve got? Character, baby! Good stories. In 1935, my Building One—which is still standing today—was dedicated by Amelia Earhart, a pretty big name in the aviation world. And guess who had the country’s first paved runway, first air traffic control center, first airport weather station and first airport post office? If you answered Denver International, then you really need to brush up on your aviation history.
Look—if you want a soulless, sanitized airport with all the bells and whistles, then you might want to swipe left when I pop up on Tripadvisor. But if you want an airport with grit, history, a blue-collar work ethic and a bit of Jersey attitude, then you know where find me: half in Newark and half in Elizabeth. And for crying out loud, don’t believe everything you read about me. Come and see for yourself. Take a flight, grab a bite. I promise, EWR not going to regret it.
