In the revolving dessert carousel strategically located equidistant from the front door, the counter, the first row of tables, and the cash register.
Objection! Leading the witness. And defense did not establish equidistance to within a tenth of a millimeter.
Overruled. Counsel is merely restating facts. Proceed.
Did you attempt to unlawfully get a fudge cake’s eye view of American decadence at its most prevalent, insidiously affordable and fattening?
Objection! Counsel is asking defendant to make a value judgment. Moreover, council has not been certified as an expert on decadence generally or fudge cake and buttercream frosting specifically.
Sustained. Please rephrase the question.
Did you open the glass door to take a picture of the interior of said dessert carousel?
I would like to point out that glass is, in most instances, a transparent substance.
Please just answer the question.
Of course, Your Honor. But for the record I would like to state that a camera lens is itself a kind of glass door.
Objection! Defendant’s reply is evasive.
Sustained. Sir, you will answer the question.
Alright. I can unequivocally state that I was not seeking a fudge cake’s eye view.
Objection! Defendant is attempting to subvert and controvert the photograph introduced into evidence as Exhibit A.(above) and thereby divert the jury from his obvious guilt.
That will be enough, Councilor. Sit down. You, answer the question.
Your Honor, I once studied alto saxophone with a teacher who often told me, "Musicians may lie, but the music never lies." Wise words. In this case I would like to assert the reverse, or is it the contrapositive? Photographs may lie, but photographers, at least when under oath, never lie!
[uproar. sound of gavel rapping]
Sir, if you do not answer the question I will hold you in contempt of court.
Alright, you got me. But first. To assert, as my own attorney did–and thanks, pal–that I was trying for a fudge cake’s eye view is absurd, and insulting to fudge cakes everywhere. No, what I was trying to do–and if you study the evidence I think it will be clear–that all I am guilty of is trying for a Linzer torte’s eye view.
You mean a view from the perspective of a raspberry Linzer torte?
Yes, Your Honor.
The kind with powdered sugar on top?
No, that’s been done. I mean the kind without powdered sugar, but with neatly ruffled edges, made from a shortbread dough with a little bit of stone ground oats mixed in, and all the raspberry seeds removed. They get between your teeth, you know, and especially if they’re between two molars you can’t get them out with a toothpick, try as you might. You need floss, but I left mine in the car, and…
Guards, take this man away!